OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
You have more facebook pictures than most towns have people.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
Is it too early to start looking for freshmen penises to corrupt with our liquor and yoga pants?
I was just wondering the same thing! Gotta be any day now
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