that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
please tell me we weren't that bad as freshmen
i can't, we're worse now
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
You just had sex during the movie Radio. This is an all time low
Randomize
