Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
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someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
You're like the curious george of whores
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
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