this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
According to the bell hop, we stumbled in about 4 and then cannon balled into the pool.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
