i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
I'm ultimately at thr Shariton to drink and ppssibly puke on fancy shit. Thats my story and Im sticking to it.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
Randomize
