Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
what is the aproppriate waiting time between having sex and playing super Mario brothers
6 min
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
The forest. Magic mushrooms. Wind trees leaves sky. That is alll.
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
Randomize
