its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
