i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
I have to think about this realistically and not with my vagina.
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
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