Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
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