I justed realized that the word 'turd" is present in saturday
I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
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