someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!
Just TALKING to him is better than banging my bf, imagine what actual banging will be like.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
Randomize
