My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
i just sat down and hooked up with this girl. after she left i called over another girl and did the same. this happened about four more times and i never left my chair
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
Are sex swings allowed in dorms
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
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