You're so nebulous sometimes
Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
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