I love seeing the creepers that friend request me outside of facebook. its like seeing a unicorn in the middle of campus.
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
Randomize
