totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Randomize
