Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
Do you think the party boat will still go out if there is a hurricane?
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
I've got two reasons for you to come over later and one of them is pierced.
Randomize
