So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
I don't deserve a penis
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
Randomize
