I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
Why do so many fanfic writers want to see hockey players get pregnant?
Randomize
