my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Randomize
