Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
My disapointment is making my balls hurt :(
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
I'm only gonna ask u this once. Y is there a picture of u only in superman underwear rubbin ur nipple on facebook????
Uh I can actually explain that one..
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Randomize
