im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
Randomize
