my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
bad to tell him im pregnant over fbook chat?
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
Hypothetically speaking, when I get a sugar glider would it be frowned upon to bring it Ito classes with me in m pocket?
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
