Three words: puerto rican gang bang
girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
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We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
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