On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
Randomize
