All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
And my parents said I crawled through the house
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
Randomize
