so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
