he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
what do kids with lesbian moms do for father's day? like do you talk about it? is it awkward? do you get the butchy mom a card?
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
Randomize
