I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
Randomize
