You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
shes wearing a jean skirt, its frayed. i got this
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
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