he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
I think my nap took me to another dimension
We banged in his car behind the burrito place. Google Maps keeps asking me to rate my visit. 5/5, would cum again.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
we f'd six times
f'd?
its sunday, i cant say fucked
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
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