woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
smoked four grams out of a bong with a mixture of pool water and white rum. I applaud you for leaving before losing too many brain cells.
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
hahahaha classic. this is why you are going to a college with a hospital right next to it
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