I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
29 Petty People Reveal The Shallow Reasons They Turned Someone Down
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
21 Horribly Evil Pranks To Play On Your Drunk Friends
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?