I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
i love how people use prayer to talk shit about eachother in a 'holy' manner.
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
stop calling my apartment porn island.
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
made the entire pub sing the british national anthem, puked, rallied, then peed in a telephone booth and have pictures to prove it, taking tourism to another level since 2012.
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
Randomize
