dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
