Yo dont text me then not text me
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
They took my balls.
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
I think I just shit out all my problems.
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
