Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
Randomize
