i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
Randomize
