is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
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