he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
Randomize
