I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
Randomize
