Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
