Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
He;s fine. He just kept saying "hurricane Gordon is coming to shore" and flexed his muscles a lot.
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
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