If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
Reggie can tackle my bush.
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
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