Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
after he came i started crying. just to fuck with his head.
We're going clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
What will that accomplish?
It will accomplish clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
