I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
Randomize
