you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
So i think we're being coned into a threesome with the promise of pokemon
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
Randomize
