I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
I've had my dick out in public way too much for someone my age...
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
Randomize
