I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
He visits one Denver strip club and now hes moving there
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
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