please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
On a scale of one to 10 how Risky is it to sleep with a married man (all morals set aside)
Randomize
