he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
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