The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
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