My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
